Slumdog Bullshit

An empty serving of kitsch and glamorized slum life with weak attempts at comic relief and dripping with sentimentality, all done in the style of a short-attention span music video. Not even to mention that the film has hardly anything in common with the beautiful book by Vikas Swarup upon which it is based. What a huge disappointment.

Moths Ate My Shirts

Laundry broken, almost got fired, moths ate my shirts, no phone, got ripped off my AT&T, the plumber... car problems, got really sick...but I'm really really happy.

Wild Geese

Our new life begins tomorrow. Space and sunshine. Expansion and exhileration. One of my favorite poems comes to mind:

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, goodbye

I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye, Good bye little house on 1611 Lake Shore Ave. I loathed you at times, but you have been very good to us. I will always love you.

Gesundheit!

S. said today that every time you sneeze you have a chance for immediate enlightenment, because your heart stops, among other things. She heard it firsthand from Nityananda, I think.

Days of our Lives

A. said that this week will go down in history as the worst week of our lives. I can think of worse. A lovely sojourn in the psych ward of Glendale Memorial hospital. And seeing my bedroom fall apart into jagged shards, stabbing the side of my head, two weeks after giving birth to M.

Spooning?

I say to A., You know, all of our spoons have been disappearing. He laughs. Then he says: The last time that happened I was living with a heroin junkie. But it's just Milan, hiding his binkies, cars and plastic spoons behind the couch, in my underwear drawer and under the bed inside a shoe.

Mr. Rogers

Mr. Rogers is infinitely comforting to me, with his kind eyes and sweet voice, singing, Did you know? Did you know? Did you know that it’s all right to wonder? Did you know that it's all right to wonder? There are all kinds of wonderful things!

There are indeed all kinds of wonderful things!

Have you hallucinated today?

People who take in the caffeine equivalent of three cups of coffee (or seven cups of instant) are more likely to hallucinate, a new study suggests. Today, I heard people singing in my right ear. It wasn't the Beatles. More like a Target commercial. The study also said that it is possible that the association between caffeine intake and hallucinations was due to the fact that people who are prone to associations tend to use caffeine to help them cope with their experiences, such as having a 15-month-old scream and whine all day.

Bud Wise

Don't know why it bothers me when parents call their little toddlers "bud." Maybe because it reminds me of unctuous men slapping each other on the back in false camaraderie. The way it bothered me when in the beginning A. called Milan "the kid" instead of "my son" or "our baby".

Necessary Objects

I'm packing and I must have: Xanax, Tequila, Nag Champa, Tangerines, Sudoku.

Gayempathy

All the darling gay guys we've been working with on our house adore Milan while verging on either awe or pity as to the plight of fulltime motherhood. They are happy to return to their Frank Lloyd Wright pads, kick up their heels and enjoy the silence. The freedom. The nonchalance of not being a parent. The very bearable lightness of being. Of watching Nate Berkus on Oprah and going antiquing on weekends without dragging a one-year-old along. But I wouldn't trade lives. I appreciate their empathy, I feel a little sad and then I give Milan a huge bear hug.

Jeff Bridges

Something about Jeff Bridges is just so serial killer and cheating professor husband.

This Ain't No Martha

We are broke but we have an interior decorator. That is just so LA. And he gets us. Elle Decor on a budget mixed with some of the self-conscious hipness of Dwell.

Nervous Breakdown

There are many causes for a nervous breakdown: excessive stress; exhaustion of general adaption; trauma; buying a house; packing boxes with a screaming 14-month-old; while having a migraine and a sinus cold; during the Santa Ana winds; hands itching with eczema...

Always look on the bright side of life...

On the bright side, I've been making a real effort to smile at people, especially grocery store employees, baristas at Starbucks, mothers with MacLaren strollers and other drivers trying to squeeze into my lane.

Compassion

uhm, I should mention that Sri Yukteswar's message for me was this: compassion. Ranked a great virtue in numerous philosophies, compassion is considered in all the major religious traditions as among the greatest of virtues. I have been many things, but I have never ever been virtuous. Of the seven deadly sins I'm guilty but for one: Greed. Maybe that goes hand in hand with lack of ambition. But lust and sloth and pride. Yep.

Fat = God

Fat = pleasantly plump, buxom, zaftig, rotund, portly, curvy, fertile, rich, healthy, salubrious, all-American, smart, erudite, brilliant, ingenious, knowing, sage, enlightened, God.

Meditate on This: Fat

For the first time in my long and fruitful relationship with Dr. S. he doesn't get me. By saying that I hate myself and think I'm despicable I am not denying fat people basic human dignity. All I'm saying is that I hate myself in this fat suit. I don't deny fat people the right to live or the pursuit of happiness. By all means, go for the cakes and eat them, too. I'm just saying, that for this former kitten, being fat poisons my life and my relationships. I cannot be free and spontaneous or even witty and clever. I'm bound and gagged. That's all I'm saying. But he's an enlightened being living in quasi nirvana where we don't even have bodies. I cannot blame him. When he looks at me, he sees right into my soul.

Res Ipsa Loquitur

I., who is Russian and from Great Britain, was very excited today when he told me that he discovered a cool radio station here. I knew right away which one he meant. Duh. Indie 103.1. At that point neither one of us knew of the terrible fact that today was Indie's last day on the airwaves. They didn't make it because they played too much good music, stuff like Gang of Four, Sonic Youth, Belle and Sebastian, all kinds of punk and new wave and true indie music like Amazing Baby and Darker My Love. But there are too many motherfuckers out there who prefer Beyonce and Kanye and Britney. 'Tis a sad day in American history. Another nail in the fucking coffin. Even an urban sprawl like LA is populated by idiots with horrible taste. I find it hard to believe that there are so few of us that we cannot even keep an alternative radio station alive.

Clothes Trouble

Tomorrow is my official beginning of the new year. I'm going to meet Sri Yukteswar. I am not worthy. I'm thinking about what I'm going to wear. Ugh.

Stuff causes Suffering

K. always has the most amazing ideas. From recipes for jam to art projects to being a good human. One of the latest I'm going to adopt: I'm not going to buy stuff this year. As she said, this doesn't mean not buying face wash and stuff like that. It just means not buying "stuff." And I tend to buy a lot of stuff. I'm an emotional spender. I shop to make myself feel better, alleviate anxiety, or to lift my mood. But as the Buddha already stated so perfectly: stuff causes suffering. Stop craving stuff, stop suffering.

A Place to Pee

Who has $50,000 to remodel one bathroom? That's what I'd like to know.

Kiss, Kiss

And then I drank some Champagne. And then I made out with George Clooney. And then with Javier Bardem. And I was skinny. And I was desirable. And I was dizzy. And I laughed like Daisy Buchanan. And Javier's hair was like Daisy Buchanan's.

Because I could not stop for death...

Time passes, thankfully. I no longer hear babies crying in the shower. A young girl, dressed in all black, runs down the street with a lit cigarette in her mouth, away from Gateway mental hospital. A woman and her child and a grocery cart at 10pm on a poorly lit street, collecting plastic. We passed the fields of gazing grain. We passed the setting sun. I still lick some wounds. Others have healed. I pick at the scabs. When I get anxious.

Punctuation Peeve

Why does everyone use so many question marks??? Why is one no longer enough???? It's like everything we have to say to each other is of the utmost importance and must be emphasized!!! Such a sense of urgency!!!! Be right over!!! Got it!!!!! Thank you sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!

Crocs

At this juncture, writing about the ubiquity of Crocs is as behind-the-times as commenting on Sarah Palin or Vitamin Water or Juicy Couture sweats. Yes, they have been around for a long time, but the longer they are around, the more I loathe them. Even on kids. And especially the sandals. They are beyond ugly. But I credit Crocs for giving Facebook another chance, solely on the fact that I found a group titled I Dont care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like A Dumbass. It has 1.277.030 members. It feels comforting. To be around like-minded people.

Oral fixation

Milan has binky breath. At first I thought I was imagining it. But it's true. It's a distinctive binky breath.

An oral fixation (also oral craving) is a fixation in the oral stage of development manifested by an obsession with stimulating the mouth (oral) first ...

Phone Envy

We were at a birthday party yesterday and everyone had an iPhone. The reason this is worth mentioning is because I don't have one and won't have one. And the sad thing is, two years ago I was really happy with my Razor but hated it as soon as the iPhone came out. Of course. So I was really looking forward to my contract ending and being able to get an iPhone. But instead we bought a house and now have to get free phones from Sprint on a family plan. I also told S, as I showed her my pathetic little chapstick, that I used to have like seven lip glosses: Nars, Dior, Benefit etc. But, she said, wouldn't you rather have a house than 7 lip glosses? But she totally got the phone thing. A phone is like an extension of yourself, an appendix, an 11th digit. Mine will suck.

Trader Joe's

I feel bad because I yelled at an old man at the Trader Joe's parking lot. I also gave him the finger. Hopefully not a heart attack. And I'm not even taking those drugs that make you angry. I forgot what they're called. I also forgot to put the frozen fish in the freezer. Shit.

Weeds

We have been watching too much "Weeds." How so? Well, we bought a house and now are broke. Abe said that M. said our basement would be perfect for a growhouse. That way we could supplement our income. But we have a child, I said. And I don't want to go to prison. And they're all made of ticky-tacky.

Blindness

This being the beginning of the New Year, I of course honor the tradition of unattainable resolutions. In that spirit I told Dr. S. today that once and for all I want to lose weight. I told him I hate myself, am disgusted with myself, don't recognize myself etc. You get the idea. I also told him that I compulsively seek out fat people in crowds. Just to loathe. He came up with a brilliant idea. Losing weight at this critical juncture would be the absolute worst thing to do, because it would buy into the lie that I'm not worth loving. I said, but being fat makes me want to kill myself. It's like, going blind would make me want to kill myself. Or being in a wheelchair. The latter two being number 9 and 10 on my scale of suicide-worthy scenarios. Being fat number 2. So, it's like saying blind people don't deserve to live? Like we might as well just round them all up and shoot them? This is not what I'm saying, I said. I just want to lose weight. I'm tired of being fat. All he said was, we have a lot of work to do.

Young People

At a party last week I was talking to this "kid". I had almost forgotten that 25-year-olds in L.A. still consider themselves kids. And he asked me how Echo Park had changed in the eight years I've been living there. Well, I said, in some ways it has changed for the better. There are tons of great restaurants, boutiques, cool stores... but it has also changed for the worse. How so? said the kid. Well, I said, it has attracted the kind of people we've always been trying to get away from. What kind of people? he said? Young people?