Burberry Incognito

My Mom wears huge black Burberry sunglasses (which I, coincidentally, bought for her) and she says that she loves the feeling of not being seen that you get when you wear huge black Burberry sunglasses. Today, as I browsed the racks of cheap knockoff wares at --- gag --- Forever 21, I felt much the same way.

Boss Lady

I wonder what kind of work Anna Wintour has had done. She doesn't look like a fullblown facelift. Injections for sure. I actually could relate to her in The September Issue. I used to be an ice queen, too, before I became a humanitarian Joan of Arc kind of mentoring figure. I need to sharpen my claws again methinks, and become boss lady. After all, my life's purpose isn't making galleons of unpaid interns happy.

Blazers?

When blazers came back, I thought I wouldn't be caught dead in one. But then, this past spring I got one. Problem is, I already recycled it, because I didn't think it would be a trend that lasts. And they're all over fall, along with floorlength black skirts, leather string chokers, combat boots and other '90s goodies! SO, what do I do, get another one? Ah, the dilemmas of the sometimes-fashionista!

Dior Not War

It's probably old hat news to my five faithful followers, but my dreaded intern interviews this week were suddenly illuminated by one fashionable candidate who wore a button that read "Dior, Not War" in a clean, unassuming font. Me wants it. Same intern also wore a chic tight blazer and his hair just so à la late 80s New Wave, with one side shaved, the other long, and a little designer bowtie and skinny jeans. What a fab blogging specimen he was, being picked up by the Huffington Post and writing about Porn Tumblrs. Yours truly felt inspired, uplifted, somehow transcended by creative juice energy of said freelancing 24-year-old would-be-internship candidate. Butterbaby wanted to run to Fred Segal's immediately, with a pit stop at Urban Outfitters, where she would not shop in the Mom section. CORRECTION: There is NO Mom section at Urban Outfitters! Anywway, somehow said intern made me want to completely renew myself from head to toe in the latest "it it it" accoutrements. Later that day, after a cup of coffee and a couple other interviews that were but disappointing, Butterbaby came floating back to earth and Target jeans (no kidding and unmanicured fingernails and general schlumpiness). Sigh.

ROSS again

On my last weekly trail of tears to ROSS in Glendale, which wore one big Armenian frown---of course---I saw there, amid the shoe chaos on the shelf, a shining pair of Sperry Topsiders. I didn't get them. I am late on the trend (they are so 2009) and mama's got nothing to wear them with. What, bindis and hippie tops? You must be kidding!

Make Believe

When I was little, my grandma would receive these fat, thicker-than-a-phonebook "Quelle" (the 'source') catalogues. I would cut out pretty women in sundresses and lingerie, pretty girls in shorts and braids, handsome dark, tall men to go with them, accessories galore like gloves and hats and jewelry; and then of course sofas and coffee tables and lamps; refrigerators and ovens and microwaves; and lawnmowers and toolsheds and pretty sheets and fabrics and throws. There was nothing I couldn't have, nothing I couldn't make mine. Today, the same exercise with the latest issue of Elle didn't yield the desired results, just an empty need, a gnawing humger for Balenciaga's Bauhaus sandals and Jessica McCormack jewelery. And overall a feeling of want, of not having enough, of being a dope for not having the millions to buy the million things I crave, which aren't even real except for on the pages of a magazine---just like those pretty girls with their hats and refrigerators and Louis XIV imitation chairs.

Heels Over Heads

People who shouldn't wear 5-inch plus heels:

1. people with really large heads (like the red queen)
2. people with anterior head carriage (like most people)
3. really short people (not midgets, midgets are cool)
4. fat people (like me, but I wear them anyway)
5. people who can't strut their stuff
6. people who wear the wrong season's heel, like circa 2005 pointy toes (though they're coming back in turqoise soon. stay tuned!)
7. people who wear stripper heels shoes (unless they're made of this season's hot lucite and are platforms by a major designer; Fredericks of Hollywood is not a major designer)

There you have it.

The Gap

Once upon a time, there was Lauren Hutton of the gap. Now it's 2010 and every model in every major campaign in Vogue has a gap between her front teeth. Now, I need to preface this by saying that by own teeth are far from perfect. But what gives? It makes them look even younger and actually dumber in a Russian mail order bride kind of way.

Penis Pants

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves (or so we've heard), while others wear their cocks on their pants and thus wear out their welcome at my party. Who is this Isabel Mastache designer anyway, and why can't she design a nice pair of Dockers?

Alexander, RIP

Just because people can't walk in your shoes, that's no reason to commit suicide, man. Seriously, though, my heart is breaking to think that Alexander McQueen is now pushing daisies. Unless you have contemplated or attempted suicide yourself, you cannot imagine the agony and the courage it takes. It's the penultimate selfless (ish?) act. And there are several people involved. The one who wants to die. The one who has to do the dirty deed. And, shit, forgot who else. Satan?

Sad, sad, sad :(

Spring/Summer 2009

This list is so passé:

Birkenstock
Beer
Hats
Being 40
Irony
Feeding toddlers seaweed
Coconut Juice
90s Blazers
Keeping Chickens

Except for the blazers. They're sticking around. See side bar.

Will Trade Slag for Skirt

I gave myself until Jan 1 to be, what my good friend K. has so appropriately called a "slag." Then I have to undo the damage of doing too many sudoku on the couch while having the flu, imbibing eggnog with Brandy and moving my limbs only to change the occasional diaper. After all, a whole new decade of fashion beckons to be worn and I don't want to miss out on the new Versace skirt!

New Study: Moths Favor Burberry!

Speaking of Burberry. And not speaking of the so-called thing called Burberry that you see around the necks of Asian women of a certain age hiking in Griffith Park. I mean, real cute Burberry. Moths ate it. It's one thing to eat my H&M tops. But at Burberry I draw the line!

Jeggings

Things I won't wear this season: jeggings, 90s blazers, boyfriend anything, 6-inch heels, hairbands. Things I will wear: military jackets, cowl scarves, 80s gloves, anything purple.

Mantra: Say No to Jeggings if You Weigh > 140 lbs

Baby Needs New Shoes; Mama, Too!

Luxe shoe designer du jour Christian Louboutin, in collaboration with champagne house Piper-Heidsieck, has released Le Rituel Crystal Shoe Flute. It celebrates the gallant French custom of gentlemen callers drinking from a woman’s shoe, the ultimate declaration of aristocratic love. Who needs a 5 ½ inch Slovenian crystal stiletto for drinking champagne? Foot fetishists of course! And speaking of Christians, there was a doomed day earlier this year, when I almost bought a pair of Christian Audigier shoes at Nordstrom. Barf. Gag. What came over me? Thankfully, the beastly urge was averted in favor of flower-print Wellies.

All That Tweet

'Tis the season of flannels and tweed and all things plaid, so I must watch Twin Peaks and eat pie. And not a Twitter about it, even though, says NPR, that's the only way to find a job these days.

Wanna Check Out My Pad(s)?

Despite my resolution not to, for fear of looking like a football player, I wore a vintage dress with shoulder pads yesterday. I got it last year at the très glam St. Vincent de Paul. Gosh, I'm so ahead of the curve!

Wayfarers

If I were a Joan Didion type, the recent apocalyptic fires and heat waves in California would have inspired me to write about the strange effects on Angelenos, the ash on the street and the yellow halo around downtown L.A. As it was, I just shut the doors, ran the AC, went to bed at 7:30 p.m. and scratched my eczema, longing for cool, dark German forests. Now I have emerged and realized I survived the summer completely without Wayfarers. And this while reading "The Informants," where the word Wayfarer appears on every third page. In fact, I was relieved I didn't buy any when all the idiot kids on the season premiere of "90210" sported turquoise, pink and yellow versions. Gag me with a spoon. Like, totally.

Olsen Trolls

Speaking of fashion, the hideous Olsen trolls are among this year's inductees for the Council of Fashion Designers of America. Like Alexander Wang, who deserves it, of course. The Olsens? They should wear paper bags all the time. Over their heads. Even when they get their venti frappuccinos. Why do I care? Cause it's sacrilege, man!

Pants on Fire

Must have been over a year ago that I thought about getting some good ole plain Levi's. Didn't cause I thought I was too fat. Now everyone is wearing them. They are on fire! Lame.