Fish Lips

After seeing a picture of myself from Friday's mom's night out, I've decided to toss all (merely topical, no injections!!! I swear) lip plumpers. I've developed a Meg-Ryan/Lisa-Rinna/Jessica Simpson trout mouth. Egads!

Heels Over Heads

People who shouldn't wear 5-inch plus heels:

1. people with really large heads (like the red queen)
2. people with anterior head carriage (like most people)
3. really short people (not midgets, midgets are cool)
4. fat people (like me, but I wear them anyway)
5. people who can't strut their stuff
6. people who wear the wrong season's heel, like circa 2005 pointy toes (though they're coming back in turqoise soon. stay tuned!)
7. people who wear stripper heels shoes (unless they're made of this season's hot lucite and are platforms by a major designer; Fredericks of Hollywood is not a major designer)

There you have it.

Chanel for Sheneneh

There's really no point in looking me up and down witha sneer in the elevator when you carry a huge screamingly fake Chanel bag and have ginormous acrylic nails with black tips and giant white Chanel logos. It doesn't say you're money, well-traveled and sophisticated. It says you grew up poor, that you really really like Chanel but can't afford it. And likely have a smallish brain. Coco would have turned in her grave. So who's the sad bitch, white girl? Heidi Montag fan or something? Truth is, I'm oddly jealous. I think I need to go vomit.

Penis Pants

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves (or so we've heard), while others wear their cocks on their pants and thus wear out their welcome at my party. Who is this Isabel Mastache designer anyway, and why can't she design a nice pair of Dockers?

Baby Needs New Shoes; Mama, Too!

Luxe shoe designer du jour Christian Louboutin, in collaboration with champagne house Piper-Heidsieck, has released Le Rituel Crystal Shoe Flute. It celebrates the gallant French custom of gentlemen callers drinking from a woman’s shoe, the ultimate declaration of aristocratic love. Who needs a 5 ½ inch Slovenian crystal stiletto for drinking champagne? Foot fetishists of course! And speaking of Christians, there was a doomed day earlier this year, when I almost bought a pair of Christian Audigier shoes at Nordstrom. Barf. Gag. What came over me? Thankfully, the beastly urge was averted in favor of flower-print Wellies.

Yogi Fashion

At the Mount Washington Self Realization Fellowship today we walked into the administration building. They have a huge painting of Paramahansa Yogananda in his later years, dressed in his typical orange gown, long hair flowing, and, oddly, leopard fur slippers. Milan got all excited, walked up to the painting, pointed at his feet and went "Shoes. Shoes. Shoes."