So...

So, I've been noticing that I and everyone else starts

1. an email
2. a conversation

with a "so".

why is that?

Beat on the brat with a baseball bat...

Went to one of these dreadful snack and chats where we always run out of time for the real attraction: the speaker. But I did walk away with some useful nonviolent parenting tools. Key: Child-led. Everything. Create an environment in which you do not have to say "no." Lovely approach. Very humane. Later told my British mommy friends and they said fuck that. We're British. No means no. End of story. That's why there are so many fucked up kids here who need super nanny, because they know no boundaries. So now I'm confused again.

Mama Mia

Speaking of mothers: A's has bought six acres of the Ozarks, where she lives in a tent. And where she's slowly going blind.

Enjoyment

Dr. S. said this morning that there should be some enjoyment in life. That's an understatement for some, a sisyphusian task pour moi. The key: approach everything (especially Milan and mothering) with playfulness. I must remember this. Play. And lessen the gulf between the mother I think I ought to be and the mother I can be.

Friends Again

A nice cup off coffee with D. who popped over and brought Belgian chocolates and stories of Prague Spring ('68), David Bowie in Berlin and Maurice Sendak took care of that shiteous feeling. I feel so much better. I deleted A's voicemail without listening to it. I wash my hands off everything.

Frenemies

A. calls me out of the blue (i.e. heroin addiction recovery) and says he wants to be friends again but in order to do so I need to personally invite N. as well to make her feel comfortable and important and basically cater to her and not make her feel like a second class citizen. Then he says I can only call him during emergencies, Wed. through Friday from 6pm-11pm; otherwise A. has to call him. And once, ten years ago or whatever I supposedly made fun of her last name, saying it's German, as if that were such a horrible thing. And I recall many many instances when I went out of my way to invite both A and N, always using plural on the answer machine. But as I just told him, I don't have the energy to put up with the foibles of an insecure adult person (I have a toddler) and I cannot live by rules such as only calling during certain times of the week at certain times. I mean who can keep track of such shit? And A. said, well, maybe that means that we'll be seeing less of each other... when really, I haven't seen in him in probably four months. So I hung up on him. I will never forget the time he facilitated getting me out of the psych ward and holding me all night when I was too scared to live, and visiting him when he was in a coma, and we have a lot of history together... This is so very sad. But I just don't have the energy for it.

Spelling

Shit. I can't even spell psychedelic anymore without a spell checker. Maybe I do need to be audited after all. I could blame it on the Mother's Day mimosa and too much coffee at large. But that'd be a cop-out. A copy editor who can't spell. Wow.